Why Don't I Shut UP?: 01/01/2006

Friday, January 27

Wanna see something funny? My friend Kevin pointed this out to me. Go to www.google.com and search on the word "failure." Look at the very first search result!

Couldn't agree more....

Monday, January 23

Bit by the Cleaning Bug -

This weekend was one of those odd weekends where it felt like my house was closing in around me. It seemed like everywhere I looked, there was a mess to be found. Normally, I can pull the stereotypical male response and tell myself that the woman that lives in the house with me will eventually clean it up. Granted, I'd never let it get to the point where the house was an environmental hazard with corpses and toxic waste piling up in the corners. But from time to time, I slip in the mode of slob. You do too so quit lying to yourself.

But by Sunday afternoon I'd had enough. In the immortal words of Popeye, "I'd had alls I can stands...I can't stands no more!"

So I was bitten by the housekeeping bug...i think this one was a scorpion or something. I'd started out well enough. Running vacuum, doing a couple dishes. Then it moved on to more Extreme Sport Housecleaning. Mopping the kitchen floor, dusting (gasp!), the 100 meter rake toss.

Suddenly, I was frantic. I'd declared war on clutter. Genocide on germs. Mr. Clean didn't have shit on me!

So as I'm running around in my maids outfit, looking slightly less manly than Alice from the Brady Bunch (with less facial hair too) I realized it was a lost cause. You can't clean a house with 3 dogs, 2 kids, and three cats running around. It is NOT..Humanly....Possible!

It suddenly started feeling like a Three Stooges episode. I'd clean the floor, turn around, and there would be foot prints. I'd wash the dishes, and blink and there were more dirty dishes.

nyuck nyuck nyuck *slaps self in the forehead repeatedly*

The most aggravating part: I'm vacuuming in the living room and the kids are yelling at me cause i'm blocking their view of the TV. I don't know about your kids but my kids gain the consistency of a beached jellyfish once Cartoon Network flashes on the screen. I'm serious, I could use the TV as a tool for confinement for these punks.

can't....move....TEEEEEE.........VEEEEEEEEE

So, of course, my house is a mess again. And all that hard work seems like an episode of epilepsy that I just made up in my mind. So maybe its better to just let everything go and wallow in filth. But before i do that, I'm gonna adopt child slavery laws and put my little honkies to work.....

SCRUB, MY PRETTIES...OR ELSE YOU WON"T GET ANY GRUEL!!!

Wednesday, January 18

For sheer sanity's sake I try not to get too freaked out by television and mass media in general. I've learned to take it all with a grain of salt seeing how most of the time advertisers, agencies, the government, religion..they all use television to make money. So what do they do? They lie. They instill the everyday viewer with fear so that they're coerced into spending their hard earned money. They feed you everything from Global Warming to Bomb Weilding Midget Terrorists Killing for Jesus. And its a scare tactic...maybe to get you to buy more sunscreen or a new alarm system for your house.

But they lie and we suck it up like a sponge. Check out the news...crime is rampant...murder is in your face. At any moment you could walk out of your house and be gunned down by one of the millions of kids running the streets with AK-47s firing wildly into the air. So we turn on the news and get our dose of fear because we all know that the world is going to hell in a handbasket and the only thing that is gonna save us is if we....um...buy the XBOX 360???

And the sad part: WE DON'T question it. Nobody holds these plastic-haired dingleberries to the truth. Real quick, before I get to my real point...national studies confirmed that even though the world is sinking into oblivion (because Pat Robertson says so and he want's you to come to his church) the national crime rate has decreased. Matter of fact, its decreased two-thirds since 1973 and that's just the US. The crime rate all over the world (except Austrailia...them people are downright screwed up, krikey!) has been on a downward decline...judging from the nightly news, it sure doesn't feel that way.

Anyway, I got side-tracked to what i was trying to say...stop getting me off subject here!

The point I was hoping to eventually get to was the length that advertisers are going to sell products. And I have to admit, this one sucked me right in: I was sitting at my drawing board last night smacking my head against the wall for ideas. It usually works but it doesn't do well for my receding hairline. So i have the TV on mute while i'm racking the cavernous void that is my head. I look up (and remember, sound on mute) to find attractive girls stripping down to their underwear.

Well, of course i'm intrigued!

All the girls jump into the lake or the pool or the beer vat or whatever it is and they're splashing each other and having a good time and I just know they want to make out (they do...they just don't know it yet). All except for one girl who is still standing on deck with all her evil clothes on. Now i'm playing dialog in my head instead of turning off mute:

Girl 1: C'mon Sharlene (don't argue...that's her name), the water is great and those clothes look so itchy

Sharlene: I don't know, Elvira. What if there are sharks or killer bees?

Elvira: Oh don't be silly. Strip off those itchy clothes and get in here so we can wrestle

Girl 2: I think my underwear is too small.

Sharlene: Elviraaaaaaa...*sigh* then people will see my frilly little bra *rips shirt off in a flourish*

Girl 2: Is it cold in here?

Elvira: YEAH! That's the stuff you little hooker...

Girl 2: One time in band camp...

Sharlene jumps into the water as all the girls scream and laugh and I smile like a freakin' retard. Now, i could've stored this away for a lonely night and never acquired the self-induced scars but I did something totally stupid. I turned up the volume. The words that came blasting from the speakers sunk my battleship faster than the japs in Pearl Harbor.

"No one needs to know you've got your period..."

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Now all I can think about are plastic applicators and severe bloating. Oh god, get it OUT OF MY HEAD.

That leads me to the task of the week. Watch TV commercials with the sound off. Even if its one or two. As you watch them, ask yourself if the content of the commercial actually ties in with what they're selling or are they just trying to show nips and butt crack to get the attention of the male (or slightly bulky, mullet-headed, nova driving female) consumer?

Tuesday, January 17

Its that time again...you can almost feel it in the air. There's this heavy, almost unpleasant weight to it, sorta like standing outside a cheese factory or living down wind from a mushroom farm.

The NFL Playoffs...

I have to confess something here. For those of you who have been reading this blog for a while, you know I used to be an Eagles fan. Emphasis on USED TO!! But a man can only take so much heartbreak and nausea before he sticks his finger down his throat and purges what's making him retch. Yes, for years I followed the birds. And I'm dating this back to Captain Inconsistent himself, Randall Cunningham...oh yeah...its that bad.

I rode the philly rollercoaster for years, up and down...uuuuup and down. Through injuries and interceptions and all the stinking horse dung that goes along with a lackluster flop of a team like the Eagles. At the beginning of last season I sat down in front of the television on a sunday morning as the first pre-season game rolled. There was new hope in the form of Terrell Owens. Yeah yeah, you Eagles fans will cry about how big a head TO had, or how "flamboyant" he is, but I still knew there was a needed formula there. There was real, unbridled talent. Plus, I liked having the "asshole" on our side for once. Example: 49ers and Deion, Giants and Shocke, Creed and Scott Stapp.

I thought it was great. It put the Eagles in people's faces whether you liked it or not. But, in an effort to tame him, Andy Reid and his choir boys couldn't handle the heat and told TO to split. And now look at them. Down again. Heck, if Donovan stopped huggin' his momma and eatin' so much goddamned Chunky Chicken Heart-Attack Chowder, his big fat ass might be able to evade a few tackles.

So this year, after their embarrassing performace at the last Super Bowl, i swore off the Eagles for good. I didn't watch them...didn't read about them (other than the TO vs. Philly trials in which my buddy TO almost got the chair...just for being who he SAID he'd be for the team...and NO i don't care about being a team player. If it were a real team sport, everyone would get paid the same and they'd all take turns cutting grass). I closed myself off from football because the other teams just didn't matter.

But then something happened. Something that warmed my heart a tad. I felt like the Grinch standing on top of that curled snowy peak of his, straining to hear the Whos' Christmas song.

Daaahhvooo Torraayyy....Yaaavooo Plorrrayyy (or whatever the hell they sang)

The Steelers, folks.

The Steelers...knocking out (in my opinion) the best QBs in the league, and my vote for a superbowl winning team, the Colts.

So, my hope is restored in the colors of black and gold. Of course, me saying all this surely dooms them from winning the playoffs. But hey, at least we won't see Rothlesberger selling soup on TV or dry humping his parents on the sidelines like that fat headed Eagles fatty fat fat.

This is a call to all...think Black and Gold.

P.S.: Eagles fans are the devil. That means you, Jen!

Monday, January 16

Hello readers, Long time no..um...write? Glad to have you back here even if it is only a handful of you. I may stray from the blog occasionally (shadddap Teresa)...or go on an extended sabbatical...but eventually I return. There might be a few new folks reading. For them there newbies I recommend reading some of the archives (there's a ton of them).

The last short story I started on here called "The Seven" will be finished. I PROMISE...even if it takes another year to finish. Yes, I know I've left a few things...uh...open ended? I guess that's the best way to put it. However, at this point, I'm finding it hard enough to keep my head above water as it is. To that, all i can say is "Life Happens." I'd say "Shit Happens" but its not all shitty. Even the bad stuff tends to have a sweetness in there somewhere.

Right now it feels like i'm trying to swim in pudding. That's the best analogy I could use. I'm not sinking, i'm not moving towards the shore. I'm just there.

I'd like to ask a question and hopefully you'll answer by clicking on the comment section. Would you like to receive a e-mail when a new blog entry is posted or would you rather just stumble upon it on your own? Please let me know.

I will be attempting to post at least once a week (unless the pudding gets me). Thanks for stopping by.

Why Don't I Shut UP?

Friday, January 27

Monday, January 23

Wednesday, January 18

Tuesday, January 17

Monday, January 16

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