Why Don't I Shut UP?

Man I just love people. Aren't people just the fucking greatest creation in the world? Seriously? They are so complex. What other animal is there that can bring a smile across your face. What other species do you know of that can so easily ruin your day? I can't think of any. Dogs come in second on the list but they're waaaaaaaaay behind the homo sapien. Hell, there are some people in your life that all they have to do is walk past you and look at you and BAM, you're pissed off. Like that special co-worker who just slides on by like he's got Crisco shoes. Or that nosy neighbor who thinks that you can't see her dumb ass as she's peeking through the vertical blinds. The one who is on the phone with child services cause your kid likes to eat dirt. We see you, bimbo, and your house coat is fucking ugly...why don't you spend a little more time on the thigh master instead of worrying about our children's eating habits. It isn't' our fault that no one is brave enough to knock your overbearing ass up.

I mean we all have "special" folks in our lives. The button pushers, the smiley fucks, the glowing folks, the jesters, and the whogivesashit...now you're going "what the hell is he talking about?" If you haven't figured it out by now, I have my own little manual for life and everything has a term or a title or designator. Button pushers are the folks who know the EXAAAACT words to say to make that forehead vein pop out and start doing the Irish Spring Dance inside your head. Smiley fucks are the ones who walk around with that cheery verging-on-disturbing smile regardless of the situation. Your house could be burning down while someone runs off with your wife right after a tree fell on your brand new car and there they would be. SMILING. Offering their little quips of positive nonsense. Your pants could be on fire and Smiley would chime in with a "ohhh...lets roast marshmallows and sing campfire songs." Usually he/she has some catch phrase up his sleeve. And Smilies ALWAYS refer to you in third person. "So, how wit doing today?" "How's life treatin' the ole' witser???" "What's going on in wit's world today?"

WHY DON"T YOU FUCKING ASK HIM, RETARD??

Glowing folks are the people who just bring light into your world. Depending who you are they could be anyone...your children, your lover, your mailman (if you're waiting on that Green Lantern Decoder Ring), your grandparents. They are the type of person who has that uncanny ability to wash the weight of the world off your shoulders, if only for a brief moment.

The Jester. Ahhhh the jester. A male fills the Jester role about 90% of the time. Some Jesters try to be jesters and some don't. The ones that don't are usually the ones who just can't seem to get it right. The kinda kid who somehow manages to teeter on the edge of destruction but somehow manages to pull himself away from the brink and garner a laugh at the same time. A perfect example of a Jester would be my nephew Chance. This kid is straight-up born to lose. I swear he is. Even when he's TRYING to not get in trouble, he still gets in trouble. So its one of those situations where you simulaneously feel sorry for both Chance and his parents cause you know they're losing their rocks one marble at a time. Chance can leave the house with a perfectly good cell phone and return with a mangled up ball of broken plastic, circuit boards, and wires. He has no idea how it happened, nor can he explain it without the inevitable shoulder shrug and a "It wasn't my fault." But it still happens....and we all laugh like hell at him sooner or later. I've seen Chance ride his bike STRAIGHT into a wall. That's right. Why does he do it? "I don't know" "My friend told me to" "It wasn't my fault." And of course we all laugh.

And finally the whogivesashit. The whogivesashit is basically the person who you just can't seem to remember. You know their face, you know their voice. But for the life of you, you never remember their name, nor can you remember why you're talking to this person in the first place. And the average whogivesashit usually has a tendency to go on and on and on and on about shit you just don't...er...give a shit about.

SO that's a generalized break-down of the people in my life. But it works for the most part. Feel free to adopt this method of categorization in your daily life. Have fun, chitlins. Talk to ya later.

posted by Michael Witmer @ Thursday, March 11, 2004