I was reading one of those trendy, star-voyeur magazines. I think it was "Us." You know the kinda magazine I'm talking about...where everyday shmoes get to peek in on the personal lives of our favorite stars. We get to watch Britney poorly-parent her child, get to watch Brangelina (yep, i'm that hip that i can use the star-couples pet names) pretend they're important. And, by the way, who thought of these name-squishes for celebrity couples? Bennifer (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner)? Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie)? If only Nicolette Sheridon and Brad Pitt hooked up we could call them "Shitt." Or Charlie Sheen and Amanda Peete...that's right..."Peen."
Anyway, so I'm reading this magazine and I see that Denice Richards (who I always thought was on the Hubba Hubba side of the fence) was dating Ritchie Sambora. And, like they always do, they state the star's age...Ritchie Sambora, 48, Eva Longoria, 32, Mick Jagger, 205, Denice Richards, 35. THIRTY FIVE????
The first thought that went through my head is "Oh my god, she's as old as I am!!" Which was quickly followed by an even sadder thought: "Oh my god, I could be dating Ritchie Sambora!" As I shuddered the thought of being Ritchie's "Little Runaway", another thought pounded my head.
HOLY SHIT, I am old.
Now, all you happy little Look-On-The-Brightsiders are thinking "hey, you're only as old as you feel."
Yeah?
Let me tell you something about that little saying...its a load of horseshit. Its right up there with "She has a great personality" (She's Ugly), "Yeah, but he means well" (Ignore him, he's a dickface), "Size doesn't matter "(He's got a small wang but he makes a lot of money). You're only as old as you feel translates roughly to "Look at that old sumbitch in the concert T and ripped jeans...that is soooo sad."
And the truth of it is this...If I were as old as I felt then I'd be in some seriously deep shit. I'd be popping Geritol and waving my boney fingers at the neighbor kids when they stepped on my lawn. Don't get me wrong, I try to stay active. I use the stairs when my wife doesn't feel like carrying me. I still chew my food rather than use the blender method. I've fought off the urge to wear those HUGE wrap around sunglasses over my regular glasses (still not bi-focals) when I drive. But damn if I dont get some strange aches now and then. And that noise that I make when I sit down on the couch....sorta like the sound a huge truck makes when its downshifting...that sound does not belong to me. THAT SOUND CAME FROM MY DAD. HOW DID I ADOPT IT?
And the hair: Yes, i'm going there. Count on me to just say what i'm thinking rather than thinking before I say it but the hair...its a mess. Going bald is bad enough. I don't know how other guys and (in terrible cases) girls handle hair loss. But in my case its a subject that can easily bring tears to my eyes. I did the skinhead thing for a while, but with a head my size I ended up looking like the Death Star with legs. I thought about the comb over. But, again, with a head my size, the comb-over would have to be roughly four feet long and do you have any idea how long it takes to grow four feet of hair?
And its almost like the REST of my body is ashamed of my thinning, uncooperative scalp. My nose and ears are committing mutiny. If I don't trim on a regular basis, I'm afraid my nose hair will reach out and start stealing things off my desk at work while I'm sleeping...
The worst part is the chronic napping. It really is becoming tragic. If I so much as get on a slight incline, i'll fall asleep...and snore. Its really bad too. If I so much as lean against a wall I'm out. And then people laugh and point and my nose hairs go on a rampage and start picking my pockets. Last time they got my car keys...have you ever had car keys up your nose?? HAVE YOU???
I'm wondering if I crossed some invisible line somewhere. Was there a mark on the ground that said "Past this point, YOU"RE OLD"? Cause if there was I either blocked it out or my view was obscured by denial.
Or was there some Old Guy Banquet for me but my invitation got lost in the mail? If so, I at least want my Old Guy Plaque. I think I deserve it, dag nabbit (See??? I"m even talking like an old man!)
Either way, I didn't sign up for this. No one in their right mind would!
Next I'll be doing Medical-Alert commercials. Maybe i'm the next "I've Fallen and I can't get it up" spokesperson. If I start popping little blue pills and hiking my pants up over my belly button, you have my permission to just blow my head off.
posted by Michael Witmer @ Monday, June 19, 2006
11 Comments:
Yeah...age...another wonderful topic for discussion. Yes, "age is only a number", and "you're only as old as you feel, or act" and blah, blah, freakin blah! Getting "old" is the worst thing. But, like some of my friends say "the 30's" arent OLD. Yeah, well, Im here to say, 30 WAS always old to me when I was a teenager. And then almost 6 years ago, in my eyes, I became "old". Now...Im almost to the point where I will be ONLY FOUR YEARS AWAY FROM 40! Now that frickin bites the big one. Where the HELL did the time go? Again, people say "40's not old", "it's only a number", blah, blah, freakin blah! Yeah, I have issues with "certain numbers". *sigh* I guess the fact that I dont sit around moping about it and actually, try not to think about my age until my "wonderful younger" friends remind me about, is a good thing, right? And really, I dont look my age, so that's 2 things going for me! haha Oh and I guess I can bask in the glory of knowing that you my fine friend ARE older than me...even if only by 20 days! ;) Thanks for letting me rant inside your rant! haha
Yes, But its a well known fact that men age better than women so I'm way ahead of you.
Okay, Wit. We'll see if you're doomed or not.
Ladies: Here is your chance to contribute: Are bald guys hot?
Getting old has a lot of symptoms. It sounds to me like you've reached about 3 so far...what with the hair loss coupled with the additional hair growing from other orafaces, the constant napping and the drooling on your pillow while dreaming about the Golden Girls...
You've not quite there yet.
You've got a few stages to go through:
1) Hip replacement
2) More pills than teeth
3) Liver spots
4) Buick or Lincoln Towncar
5) Hankerin' for Liver and Onions
6) Tea Cozies
7) Colonial Penn life insurance
8) Yelling like an old Jewish woman
As you can see...while you are exhibiting some symptoms of "old fartitude" you haven't reached the peak of the illness.
I prescribe malt liquor and a red headed hooker. It'll do wonders for you.
Did you miss the part where I said "I dont look my age" so you aint ahead of no one mister! haha As for the person who asked the "are bald guys hot" question, depends on the guy! Not everyone can pull that off. ;)
I feel your pain friend...I feel your pain. (except, I'm only 31, and I have a very full head of hair and NO nose or ear bushes) ;)
Here's a girl's answer to the question about bald men:
Chris from American Idol is hot. Sean Connery, Bruce Willis...sexy men! Jack Welch landed a hottie wife.
These guys just shaved it all or keep it short and tidy.
Their eyes sparkle. They emulate confidence.
That's hot.
Sean Connery isn't bald.
I think you're all looking at this the wrong way. 30 is not old. 30 is where your life begins. You aren't in your awkward between age of your 20's where you're not quite a teenager anymore, but you still don't have enough experience for anyone to actually take you seriously. You can do what you want and not have to apologise. You can make your own style and not have to subscribe to the latest whatevers because you too far away from that childish teenager/20's follow the crowd age. You can be who you are and what you want to be and say I'm in my 30's and I don't have to put up with this crap anymore. You have the right to say this is what I want and I will not settle anymore. I think it's a great age and I'm enjoying every single minute of it. Didn't you watch sex and the city? All those women were in their 30's. Granted it's a fair tale, but look how much fun they are having and they aren't making excuses or apologising for any of it. You couldn't pay me any amount of money to be in my 20's again. I had no idea of who or what I was back then. I was a mess. There's a confidence that only comes when you become this age. It's a journey you've traveled to find out who you are and what you want and what you want to be. I say enjoy it. As my grandfather said to me before he died "enjoy it. It goes by so quickly. In a minute it's all over."
Jess
Yes, Sean Connery is bald. Google his picture.
"30 is where your life begins." - That's what old people say. I'm pretty comfortable with where and who I am most days of the week but I would love to be 21 again...if only to right a few wrongs and live a few crazy things again.
Post a Comment
<< Home