Why Don't I Shut UP?

America is carb-crazy...people are going nuts over counting their carbs and dieting. Don't get me wrong, I think taking care of yourself is a good idea. But what is so damn wrong with having a bowl of ice cream from time to time, or eating a baked potato or a slice of pizza or a yorkshire terrier?? Did you hear about Hardee's new burger? Its called the Monster. And I shit you not on this: 1,400 calories, 105 grams of fat. People of the world, unite and rejoice!!! I'm getting mine with double-cheese and some ranch sauce on the side!

But the truth is this: When did America suddenly realize we were all big fat asses? I mean, its not like we all gained 200 lbs over night. But its become a media fad to focus on the human form all of the sudden. Its become such a crusade to make people feel shitty about themselves just so they'll buy the Atkins books and the TrimSpa pills. I mean, we've always know that media has created a false image for young girls growing up. Look at the Barbie...if she were life-size, her waist would be the size of my ankle! So its been something thats been ingrained in our society for a while. Its almost Nazi-ish if you think about it...if you don't fit the mold you're a loser! But now they're taking it across the board...Men, women, boys and girls...you're all fat hogs cause Fox says you are.

And to top it all off, television is taking it one step further with their "Extreme Makeover" and "Swan" television shows. These are shows that take "ugly" folk and make them fit the mold. Lypo-suction, nose-job, titty-tuck...whatever the hell they do. And then they pit them against each other. Look, if you've got a toothless wreck of face due to some horrible accident or defect, then by all means you need to get that repaired. But if you're just one of the many who let yourself slide and you're too ashamed to go out in public or be a social contender then you need two things: The Gym and Therapy!!!!

I know i'm going to get the typical responses "I have a glandular problem..." "I have medical issues that prevent me from going to the gym" "I have explosive gas." All very good excuses but what happens when you get that tummy tuck and that cheek lift....those upgrades won't stay that way unless you do something about it. So basically if you don't change your thinking, you'll bust through those stomach staples like Seabuiscuit at the Preakness finish line.

So here's a guide to tell you if you need surgery:

If you have a mustache and a menstrual cycle = get surgery
If you have a big ass and like to double-fist gallons of ice cream = get to the gym
If you look in the mirror and think that Shrek is staring back = get therapy
If you can swim faster than your friends thanks to your webbed hands and feet = get surgery
If you've been browsing the lypo-suction ads so you can fit in your suit next summer = get to the gym
If you let your husband/wife/neighbor beat you with a shovel cause you think you deserve it = get therapy!

I agree that some people need medical help. Some people are born with four nostrils or a hand growing out of their forehead...yes...go get help. But for God's sake, we're all born different. We are all beautiful in our own way (except for Lyle Lovett...that fool needs an upgrade). But I guess its a little hard to accept yourself in your own skin when its not exactly the skin that TV tells you to be in. I think the first step to feeling better is to get away from the TV and computer...

posted by Michael Witmer @ Wednesday, December 08, 2004