I believe that the violin is possibly one of the most deadliest weapons in the world. Now don't get me wrong, amigos, in the hands of the trained musician it is a beautiful, emotive musical instrument. The tones and dynamics that can come from a talented craftsman can bring tears to your eyes.
But put that same instrument in the hands of a 10 year old...and you have an automatic aneurism maker.
My neice recently wanted to learn an instrument (which i think is super). So instead of picking the piano or the clarinet, or even the GONG, she chose the violin. And really that would have little effect on me. I don't have to listen to the kid so why do I care?
But tonight was a dual-birthday celebration for both my grandmother and my step dad. But for some ungodly reason, neice brought the violin along. She brought it along and was armed and ready to delight us with her bone crushing skills.
Now, I showed up late...i walked in and saw the cute little music stand with the dainty sheet music propped up on it. And I saw the violin laying there. My first thought was "cool.." That was until my neice spoke up.
"you want to hear me play, uncle mike?" She asked with gleaming, proud eyes...HOW DO I SAY no to that. I wanted to say no. Hell, i was dying to escape from the room. For a moment I thought about lighting the couch on fire so that we could evacuate, but I realized I didn't have a lighter and I didn't think i could ignite the furniture by rubbing the cushions together. So I was stuck.
"yeah...sh...sh..sure..." I mumbled.
So she broke into a tune and I was pretty impressed. No squeakers or honkers and all my teeth remained in my head. I dodged a bullet...thank you jayyyysus....praise the lord and pass the hand grenades!!!
We had a nice dinner with our normal family conversations about ex wives and underwear (don't ask). Then it came time for the birthday cake. Mom was in the kitchen putting the candles on it and that's when she dropped the bomb.
"Hey, why doesn't olivia play happy birthday while we sing..."
oh....oh no....
But yes....OH YES. Now here is the first problem in this...most of my family is about and musically talented as a sack of brussel sprouts. So even if Olivia played the song perfect it would still be painful.
So the family all started to sing...then olivia joined in with her vio-brainpuree-lin and suddenly I realize what it felt like to go insane. Everyone screaming the song at the top of their lungs while Olivia screeched a few cat-killing notes. In a moment of clarity i thought "why aren't the neighbors calling the police? I'd call the police if I heard this coming from a house..."
And then it was over....sweet relief.
I have to give credit where credit was due....Olivia was a much better violinist than I was. I'd never be dualing the devil for my soul ala Charlie Daniels. And I really hope she keeps practicing...just not when I'm around.
posted by Michael Witmer @ Sunday, October 10, 2004
1 Comments:
I'm glllaaaaaaaaaaaaaad I missed that one. I'm glad I didn't call at that time either. I can see it now, putting her on the phone and then all of a sudden scratch crinkle scratch, "I'm sorry. We must have a bad connection. Let me call you later." Click! Better you than me. I knew there was a reason I stayed in California. If it makes you feel better, I heard it all the way out here. Or was that the sound of everyone's ears bleeding? Did mom break into the musical stylings of her one man band?
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