So I feel I need to address something. My brother has quit music. He has disbanded the band and for now has quit. What would make him give up on his dream? He wanted so desperately to be a musician, but he no longer believed in it or at least that it would happen for him. Thats my take on it, with the information I was given. Im not there every day so I cant tell you all the factors that went into it. The years of disappointment and obscurity had finally gotten to him. It scared me. All he ever wanted was to get signed and make a living doing what he loved. I started to wonder how many of us have given up on our own dreams no matter how small or simple they are. How many of us woke up one day and said, this just isnt going to happen to me.
Im no different. My dream however is on a much smaller scale. I once wanted to be an actress. I even went to college and majored in it. Then one day I woke up and realized, I have a problem called stage fright. I sound great in my shower, but in front of an audience, I choke. Im not my brother and I dont have an ability to kick it. So my dreams became smaller, until they became just one thing: love.
How many of us believed, as kids, that Prince Charming was going to ride up on that white horse and sweep us away? And how many of us, as we got older realized Trigger broke his leg and Prince Charming was hit by a bus? I am a woman who wanted desperately to be in love but had given up believing in it. I have loved two men in my life, one who in college was the love of my life my life. For whatever reasons, it didnt work out. He is still the man that I look back on and can say he owns my heart and my soul. I always said I would find him some day for whatever good it would do. However, he died three years ago. The other is a man who, after only six months of being out of our three-year relationship, is marrying someone else. Some of you know him (Lets refer to him as Sparky), and know that he doesnt deserve more of an explanation than that. So I understand disappointment and frustration. I understand what its like to say, you know what, this is not going to happen. Im at an age when most people are on their third or fourth kid and living the suburban dream. Everyone says, when you least expect it, it will happen. But what if it doesnt? Not everyone meets The One. It doesnt happen to everyone. Maybe it wont happen to me. Most people are kidding themselves. Locked into relationships because they believe that person is the one but what they really are is taking up space and allowing them to not be alone.
Maybe Im luckiest of all. I know so many people who are living the ideal suburban existence and are miserable. They hate the sight of their spouse, they hate their job, and they hate that they are so tied down. Im lucky, or so they tell me. Im free to do whatever I want. I can go wherever at whatever time of day. I have a job that I happen to like. It doesnt pay a whole lot, so hence the need for a second job. But its something that I can be proud of that does good for a lot of people. I work a lot, but I have the satisfaction of saying I can stand on my own two feet without anyone helping me. I believe that we are put on this earth for a reason. That we are all meant to do great things. Whether we take hold of that or not is up to us. Sometimes its not the path we expect, like my brother and music. He thought that was what he was meant to do, but slowly its becoming apparent that its something else. We all get let down and beaten down. Its how we pull ourselves up and dust ourselves off that determines what kind of person we are. Sure Sparky broke my heart, sure he let me down and made me doubt myself, but I will get up and go on. Thats what I do. My first love is no longer in this world to inspire and challenge me, but in my heart he still does. He used to tell me I could do anything and I know deep down hes right. After we broke up, he was still there watching, silently routing for me, and I know now from somewhere else he still does. Something like that doesnt happen twice in a lifetime. All we can do is find the next best thing to fill our hearts and for some of us we realize that its not always a person. If Im destined to be Crazy Cat Lady, then so be it. But I will do it my way, on my own terms. I will never, ever settle.
For those of you in relationships or married, look at your spouse for the first time with new eyes. See them for who they are and cherish them. If you cant then maybe you shouldnt be there. For those of us, not so lucky, find your path, even if its the road less taken, and follow it. Dont walk, run.
posted by Michael Witmer @ Friday, April 23, 2004
15 Comments:
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