Why Don't I Shut UP?

****Warning - This Blog includes an extra dose of "Shove It Up Your Ass." Yes, this is a key ingredient in most of the blogs on this page but I believe the chef had a case of the shakes and accidentally spilled the bag***

Well ladies and jerks, its been one of those days...err...weee...MONTHS for me. That's all I can say. Did you ever wake up and have a pretty positive notion that everyone ELSE woke up with the intention of kicking you in the nuts and pissing on your head when you're laying on the ground cradling them? Okay...little extreme but the visual sure kicked ass.

Here's a little secret that only a few people close to me know. I operate with what is known to me as the "Bus List." This is a constantly-changing, very extensive list of people who I wish would walk out on the street and a bus would magically fall from the sky and land on them. The folks in the top ten are under the Bus Bounce Addendum. If you're a member of this special group, the bus would squash you, take a huge bounce, and then squash your entire family (pets included...and yes, hamsters count!).

Its true. The list exists. If you need to ask if you're on the list, chances are you're there. Its an honor...i know.

I don't want people out there thinking that all you have to do is piss me off to get on the list. If that were the case, God would be tossing buses faster than a jet-powered beaver. It would be raining buses. Religious freaks would be rewriting the bible, only there would be none left because the SEPTA transit system would be parked firmly on their internal organs.

My bus list is reserved for special folks. Folks who have gone that extra mile to make my life difficult. Example you ask?

Ok.

I am lucky enough to have one of those neighbors who has completely NOTHING to do with their time. This person has made a point...no no...a QUEST to completely police the neighborhood against any out-of-the-ordinary noise, movement, occurrence, etc. I've had numerous "conversations" with her about the fact that even though she lives 300 yards away from my house, and my dogs are LOCKED in a cage when we're gone, and the windows are fucking shut because the A/C is on, she can STILL hear the dogs barking. Matter of fact, she says they bark constantly....just bark bark bark...all day long. She was less that chipper about the fact that, while we were talking, none of the dogs barked. Or she'll bitch that my cat suns itself in the street. I mean, I know what a menace to drivers these ferocious felines can be. The other day, my cat lunged from the bushes and dragged a minivan off the road. We're still looking for the spare tire...*bows head in silence*

Just so you don't think I'm crazy...she's inflicted her nightmarishly garish anti-pet initiatives on my other neighbors. I was informed by my next door neighbor that she's been writing down the names of people who take their pets to the school yard across the street to run. I'm not sure what she plans on doing with that list, but I don't think she's using it for next year's christmas cards.

So there is a good example of #27 on my Bus List. She hasn't made the Bounce Addendum yet but I"m sure she's working on it. I wish people like this...people who feel that everyone should conform to THEIR way of thinking or face the consequences, would just go cram a bike up their ass. There is always someone who has a fucked up opinion and they're sure as hell going to share it with you. And usually its someone who has no god damn clue what their talking about. People telling us how to parent our children. People telling us how to cut our grass, wear our hair, do our jobs, write our blogs, worship, play, walk, talk. But, i can guarantee, you turn it around on them and you better watch for the fireworks.

I basically just want to be left alone. More than anything I just want to be left alone to do what i FEEL like doing. I don't want to be told that I should be more social or that I should trim my goddamn hedges or play less rock music and more pop music or whatever. I am me...you are you...we're all different and we're not going to fucking conform to what some dipshit who can't adjust to other peoples quirks thinks we should conform to. That is what makes us so interesting. And if I don't FEEL like going to church or hanging out at happy hour or be Captain Happy and smile like retard at people I can't stand or wearing Tommy Hilfiger then so fucking what? It doesn't make me worse of a person.

But What does that SAY about me as a person? Who the hell cares...by the way, I'm number 38 on my own bus list.

posted by Michael Witmer @ Thursday, June 30, 2005