Why Don't I Shut UP?

If you've read the Blog of the past week or so, you know that I took it upon myself to attempt to eradicate the weeds and bushes and brush from my tiny back yard.  My yard, which is probably 30 foot by 30 foot (with a shed in the middle of that tiny plot).  Out of that tiny square of grass we removed a total 12 bags of yard ruffage. 

But do not be fooled for a second.  Nature has an intense hatred of man.  It will do anything it can to strike you down when you least expect it.  Now you're asking yourself "what the hell is this fool tawkin' bout?"

Well let me tell ya!

Around tuesday or wednesday I notices that i had two tiny dime-sized blotches of what appeared to be poison ivy on my left shin.  No big deal, I thought.  I've had it before and it usually is pretty easy to take care of.   I've always made it a point to not scratch poison ivy because the words of my grandmother would always scream in my ear.  "DON"T SCRATCH IT OR IT WILL SPREAD."  So i washed it off with warm soapy water, put some calamine lotion on it and went about my business.

Around 8 or so that night the rash had grown considerably.  The two little blotches at the top and bottom of my shin were attempting to merge into one ugly, blistery rash.  The lower blotch was angry and swollen (it cussed at me a couple times...thats how I knew).   I also noticed that now I had a small patch on the calf of my right leg as well.

By thursday morning the rash on my left leg began to turn a dark red/purple color and was itching like all holy hell!  I proceeded to soak my legs in hot water and constantly reapplying the lotion. 

I woke up friday to a swollen right eye...aparently now the poison decided it wasn't happy enough to make my leg look like a science project...the poison ivy wanted top billing.  It wanted to let everyone know that I was its bitch.  So of coursse i had everyone asking me the typical "what the hell happened to you" questions.  

Did yer girlfriend lay down the law?

Do you have pink eye??? 

Did you tie on a big one last night?  (that one was my favorite because I had no clue what a "big one" might be or where I would tie it to).

So I decided to give up the ghost and go to the doctors.  I called friday afternoon and the nurse informed me that there were no appointments til saturday.  "I think it might be infected," I said.  "Cant I come in and get some antibiotics?" 

"Put some Calamine lotion on it and call us if it gets worse," she sighed and hung up the phone.  I gazed down at my crusty pink legs that were literally spackled with layer upon layer of this seeminly useless concoction.  My leg looked like mexican stucco.  I rolled my eye, hung up the phone and had a brief urge to take a cheese grater to my leg and remove the rash myself.

When I walked into the doctors office the nurse who I spoke to on the phone literally yelped when she saw my legs which were now fierce and oozing.  "You have an infection!!!"

"No shit," I thought.  They should put your fat ass on CSI or ER or one of those other abbreviated medical shows. 

Turns out that ontop of the poison ivy i'd been bitten by a spider or a racoon or a tasmanian devil or something, which amplified the effects of the rash.  They put me on a myriad of both antibiotics, cortizone, and some sort of balm that had an amazing healing effect. 

I am now terrified to go into my yard to do the yard work.  Check mate, back yard...touche'!

posted by Michael Witmer @ Tuesday, July 27, 2004