"The Adkins diet," She replies.
As I inquire to said diet she informs me that its a high-protein, low carb diet. What that means is lots and lots of meat, zero starches, zero sugars. So i'm thinking, hmmm, I like steak, like chicken, I like steer. And in the immortal words of Homer Simpson, "I could even eat a baby deer....la la la la who's that baby dear on the lawn today." Sounds like a man's diet to me, right? Lots of dead animals and few green vegetables thrown on top for garnish. A little color to spice up the cooked flesh. So I muttered five words that I should've left in the back of my throat.
Sure Honey, lets try it. We decide to start the diet on saturday morning. I wake up feeling positive about my new choice of lifestyle, cause its not a diet...its a lifestyle. I entered into the kitchen, bed head in full affect, and broke out the frying pan. Eggs and bacon...both perfectly fine on Dr. Atkins' list. Easy...no problem.
For lunch I had roast beef, cheddar cheese, celery, and a diet Pepsi with lemon for that extra ZING. Dinner was an order of one of man's favorite staples. Matter of fact they should be their own food group: Hot Wings. And again hot wings are cool on the list.
What isn't cool on the list are the following items which I completely need to survive: Sugar (pretty big one there). And in the sub category of sugar we have: Turkey Hill Iced Tea, Girl Scout Cookies (and i had 4 boxes just staring me in the face in my cupboard), brownies, bar-b-que sauce, Pasta, rice, crackers, pretzels, chips, popcorn, potatoes, did i mention pasta? soda, beer, tortillas...
OH MY GOD What was I thinking?
By the third day I was cussing people out at the grocery store who were cool enough to be able to shop in the snack aisle. Walking down the aisles past the cookies literally caused me pain. I caught myself staring in awe at a box of pancakes. WHAT in the hell had I become?
So last night after a dinner of beef tips and vegetables (which was perfectly fine in my book) I stumbled upon the four boxes of NastyBitch Scout cookies. I opened the cupboard door and there they were...standing in unity. The horrible little wenches on the boxes smiling back at me as if to say "C'mon wit....you knooooow you want to." When had I become a sugar junky? I stood there looking at the cookies as they mocked me, dreaming of tossing a troop of girl scouts into a giant mixing bowl and making my very own batch of home made goodness. And it hit me: Why am i doing this? I enjoy eating. I am somewhat comfortable with myself. I may not be the perfect male specimen (not by a long shot) but I have a cool pair of shoes and I can run pretty fast. So there i was standing in the same spot on which I'd originally told my girlfriend I'd try the diet and I utter five words again...
You know, FUCK this diet!!
And from inside my snack cupboard the girl scout cookies cheered. The tortilla chips were doing a little mexican hat dance for me....VIVA LA FAT ASS!!!! Oh, I'm still down for the steaks and the wings and the roast pork and chicken and all that. But i'm going to be a normal person and add some pasta or rice or even a piece of chocolate cake afterwards, thank you very much. Because my luck, i'd be on this diet for six freakin' months...thin as an ethiopian horse jockey and strutting it down the street proudly, smiling from ear to boney ear and I"d get my ass run over by a Chips A'Hoy Truck.
posted by Michael Witmer @ Tuesday, March 16, 2004
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