Why Don't I Shut UP?

Yes...part two of my nature weekend is coming very soon. I felt a need to post my "10 People Who Can Go Straight To Hell In A Flaming Go-Cart" List (in no specific order).

1. All the Cola companies jumping on the low cal super dooper good for you sodas (ie: Coke Zero, Diet Pepsi with Lime, RC Cancer Cola). I want a cola that, if I shove the can right up your ass, it will suck the calories from your bloated body.

2. Anthony Kiedis: Is it just me or does he not even bother writing lyrics anymore? If someone can decypher what he's saying in any of the new songs I'll send you a plastic pig with big nips.

3. G.W. Bush....'nuff said.

4. My co-worker (who will remain unamed) who thinks its funny to ass cloud land mine his desk chair and come ask me to answer phones for him while he runs to the can. For those of you who don't know what an Ass Cloud Land Mine is here ya go: Find furniture that has a cushion (this does not work on hard chairs, tables, benches, etc. All you'll end up with is a sore ass and a lot of people staring at you). Sit in the chair and bust ass repeatedly. The cushion acts as a retaining wall for your cloud of stank. When another person comes along and flops down into it...instant Ass Cloud Land Mine.

5. The dipshit in my motorcycle safety course who decided to argue for ten minutes about whether the horn button is above or below the turn signal switch. HEY CAPTAIN DETAILS...WHO CARES WHERE THE HELL IT IS ON YOUR BIKE. I KNOW WHERE MY HORN IS...HONK HONNNK...SEE?

6. Ben Affleck - because he sucks. My version of the blockbuster hit Pearl Harbor:

Ben Affleck - Lets get in that plane and shoot us some japs *must be said with really bad southern accent*

Japanese Kamikaze crashlands on Ben's spleen (which earned co-writing royalties)

*credits roll*

7. Me for watching Pearl Harbor

8. Army Commercials: Who in their right mind gets a patriotic boner about running off to Iraq?

9. Nose Hair Trimmers: Using them always ends in tragedy

10. Comic strips that get translated into cartoons. Perfect example: Garfield.

posted by Michael Witmer @ Friday, July 08, 2005