Why Don't I Shut UP?

Wanna talk about the Grammys? Do ya? If you don't, then switch to another channel or close your eyes or something. One word here: Prince. PUHHHRIINNNNCE. That's right. When that little guy with the hair that somehow reminds me of Mary Tyler Moore put the nail in the coffin for all the other performers of the night. Lets face it, as soon as he started singing the first couple lines of Purple Rain, it was done...over...pack up your bags and go the hell home cause it was untouchable. Granted, i could've done without Beyonce throwing around her mammoth ass (I'm suprised that nobody got hurt!). And while i'm on Beyonce and her continental ass, let me preface this remark by saying that she has a beautiful voice, BUTT (i mean but) what is it with the newer female artists and their need to see how many runs they can put into one line of vocals. It kinda reminds me of an auctioneer having a seizure when they try to pull off that wanna-be soulful sheeyot. Its been done before....remember the 80's guitarists? Remember the flurry of notes? Yngwie Malmsteen is rolling in his grave (ok...maybe his studio apartment...he isn't dead physically) So ladies, stuff that whoopity-do-all-over-the-place melody and just fucking sing....iiiight???

Other performers of the night I really enjoyed were Foo Fighters (not a huge fan of that particular song but Foo Fighters are always reliable), Martina McBride was a tear jerker, Sting (again coulda done without the duo thing with Rastaman Jean Paul...stay at home and burn one next time), and probably my favorite of the night; The Black Eyed Peas.

But the most entertaining performance of the night was Celine Dion. OH MY GOD it was like candy watching her open up that annoying pompous mouth to sing and not hearing anything. I was squirming with glee. And when the production guy walked out on stage to tell her that the mic was not working, I was literally clapping. And you KNOW someone got their balls handed to them for that. I can't stand her, can you tell? It goes way back but Celine and I had a falling out. She wanted to keep singing and I wanted her to die. Not that huge of a request. So now she's selling Chryslers (and still not dead, I might add) and I still think she sucks. So we just kinda agree to disagree. Its a work in progress.

Speaking of work in progress...WHAAAAAAAAAAAT were they thinking bringing out Dave, Sting, and Vince Gill (and that little alien-like guy from the Neptunes on drums...talk about Close Encounters). I am a very HUGE fan of Dave Matthews and Sting so don't bash me for this but it SUCKED arse. I mean, lips all over assholes during that performance. I mean, first, it was a tribute to arguably the most highly revered bands in history. And they're being honored by that?? Again...a fan, don't throw things. But holy crap what was going on there??? Hey when the Rolling Stones all die in a firey heroin induced blimp crash over the Mersey River, maybe we should honor them by bringing up my nephews garage band to play a rousing off-tune rendition of "Rocks Off." Very disappointed, guys...shame on you.

And finally, and I have to tread lightly for fear of sounding cold...obtuse...callous. But let me just say this: George Harrison being nominated for best male vocals...Warren Zevon being nominated for song of the year...Mr and Mrs Cash being nominated for country hobos of the year (yeah, i forget what they got nominated for...sorry). Let me ask you a simple question: Name one new song from George Harrison. I challenge any young consumer to name ANY song by Warren Zevon EXCEPT Werewolves of London. Yes, i know all these folks passed away. And yes they deserve to be remembered and honored for their work. But lets be a little realistic...mmmmkay? Hell, Johnny Cash was the only person who has put out anything new that maybe half the folks in that audience would know and he didn't win a thing. Yes, I know, I'm a wang for saying this. But believe me, i'm not taking anything from any of the recently departed artists. But a grammy? naaah. Hey grammy producers...keep tugging on those heart strings and we'll keep watching. I heard that the guitar player from Loverboy recently fell off a ladder in his garage and twisted his ankle on a speak-and-spell. Better start putting the footage together for next years show...he might not pull through.

posted by Michael Witmer @ Monday, February 09, 2004